Find clarity, love yourself, be joyful

There has been a lot going on in my life lately. Internally as well as externally. Something has been put into motion, a lot of wonderful, happy things have come my way. Along with them came old fears. The fear that that happiness could be taken away from me again at any point, for example. The fear that this kind of happiness, the effortlessness of it all, cannot be real. I sometimes have a hard time talking about what’s happening to me when I’m still in the middle of it. Partly because I am reluctant to show myself being “undone”, partly because I simply lack the clarity to express what’s going on. Sill I want to share with you whatever it is I am capable of expressing. So here’s “the facts” of what’s been going on lately:

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1. I did Sina Nanasi’s Inner Child workshop. It’s been two weeks and I still haven’t written much about it since I keep thinking “I need a quiet minute to do this”. Thing is, there’s really never a quiet minute around here, there’s always something going on. I guess I’m just going to have to make time one of these days. This much I can tell you right now: My mind is completely blown, and I am crazy in love. With myself, with Sina Nanasi. With everyone and everything. Pretty much all the time. Except for when everything sucks all of a sudden. The spiritual term for that is “being in the middle of a process”. Or having issues. Apparently it’s a part of this life on earth. Anyways.

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Before the workshop.

2.As I was saying: never a dull moment around here. After the workshop, which lasted six days, there was the meet-up week of Fe San‘s students. I knew I was going to be involved (I got to help redo the unicorn power place) but I could not have imagined the extent. I met lots of wonderful people, and I felt like I fit right in with the group. I also had the pleasure of taking lots of pretty pictures of both the lovely students and their/our activities.

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The unicorn power place got a new unicorn. By Bensa.
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The water place was redone as well.
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… and inaugurated with a meditation among other things.
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We stayed up one night, and Fe San lit nine fires with transforming powers. When it was time to go to bed, i just had to snap a picture of the sunrise. The perfect ending for this magical night.
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With Irka and Mandro on the last night of the student week. <3 photo credit: Savadharma.

3.Speaking of pictures: I’ve had the honor and joy of being requested for three photo shootings these past weeks!? Photography has totally been a “just for fun” thing for me, so this was completely unexpected but still very welcomed. Writing is fun, too, but I think I have accumulated so many expectations and ambitions in that area, that sometimes it’s hard to keep that effortlessness that you have when you are new to something. I was very much into the filming classes I took at Midsweden University and Ung Film in Sundsvall, Sweden, which both helped me understand a few things about what works and what doesn’t in photography. Still I never considered this as an option for me, career-wise. So it’s like I said: sheer fun. Perfect proof that this is what life is about: when I am doing things for the fun of it, I do them pretty well, and it’s that joy that speaks to others.

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Speaking of joy: we’ve got plums in our yard! Yum!
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Adorning myself with plums and borrowed plumes. Didn’t pick those plums, and didn’t take that picture (or the one before). All credit goes to Samor Heinen.

4. I realized that there is plenty of space for several great loves in my life. I don’t nee to choose between photography OR writing. Writing is here to stay, of course! I’ve scored some freelance work there, too. It’s just starting, and I am super excited about the project!

All of this is new to me, and at the same time it’s a very liberating “I knew it!”. It’s new to deliberately express the things I have been feeling withing for a long time (for ever?). It challenges me from time to time. It makes me face practical questions on freelance work in general, which I have been reluctant to pursue because it seemed daunting (yet I’ve had this feeling I might not be among those who are happy with the classic 9-5 employee situation).

The biggest challenge which this living joy thing is that it is facing me with my doubt whether this really is possible. This doubt shows up in the form of fear that I might get so caught up in these moments of joy that I forget “Something Really Important” – and that I’ll get in trouble for that. Hasn’t happened yet (well, I have spaced stuff, but not “Something Really Important” yet, and I haven’t gotten into trouble for it, either).

Doubt also shows up when it comes to the money part. Suddenly I am becoming aware that I have this funny notion that I couldn’t possibly ask money for something I enjoy doing so much!? Let alone from people whom I like so much!? There’s that part of me that finds this outrageously brazen. Sure, since working with something I don’t really enjoy, with people I don’t care for all that much, is such a wonderful alternative. Not.

I am happy to welcome all these processes, issues and this doubt into my life. They are part of the package if you choose the good stuff. And I wouldn’t want to miss out on that! There is no security, there is only this false sense of “security”. I’d rather experience life with everything it involves than avoid it. One of my insights from the inner child workshop.

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This is a process, too: I planted a bunch of herbs when I arrived here at Amritabha in the hopes that I would be able to make a traditional dish from the Frankfurt area (“Green sauce”). Those puppies almost died on me twice but the current status is making me feel hopeful.

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