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Food fight | She’s lost control again …
I really should have written this one on Thursday, when „everything“ happened but it got late, and I had to get up early on Friday (yesterday was my first day without a post – thanks, real world with money and work and stuff). As I feared, I really don’t feel like writing about it anymore right now but I am trying to get into it. Ironically, this post might not even be relevant or interesting for anyone besides me – then again, who’s the person caring the most about a blog anyway if not the writer, right?
As you probably can guess by now, this is going to be „one of those“ posts – no pix, just me ranting. Even though dinner on Thursday would have been perfect for pix: tex-mex à la Junkfood – for real, everything homemade, soup to nuts (or rather: salsa to wraps), with like a gazillion sauces, and everything really colorful. Real photogenic food in other words. But as I said: this post isn’t going to be that kind.
I guess the reason why I feel I need to share this is because as much as I like DIYs, recipes, and that kind of stuff, and as much as I like to write and post about that stuff, that’s not all that’s going on, and it’s not all I care about. I wrote about this before, and I know that I don’t HAVE to share everything here but somehow it’s important to me to not only show what I consider my good side. I actually see that as a theme or a red thread in my life – my inability to be someone other than me, to conceal and „unspeak“ things that some might say I should. As I wrote in that other post, I have come to the conclusion that I am not here to learn to get better at hiding my true self, but to „own it“ instead, to show it, and experience that any negative reactions aren’t as damaging as I might fear. On the other hand, the best case scenario would be that being honest about my „dark passenger“ (well, ok, it’s not that bad, I didn’t kill anyone, I am just exaggerating for dramatic effect) might lead others to the realization that has been so important for me: that it’s ok to be who we are, that we don’t need to hide, that there is enough room for all of us to unfold and grow to the fullest.
So, enough with the pre-ranting. What I actually want to say about Thursday is this:
While preparing dinner, I completely snapped. At Peter. Several times. Over the smallest things. Now by snapped, I don’t mean threw things at him – but I did throw stuff.
I am a complete control freak, I know that. I take it hard when things don’t go the way I had planned them. I keep going in circles with that one. I frequently come to the realization that I cannot possibly control all the factors that play a role in the plans I am making, so change of plans does not mean I failed. For that is how I experience it: as failure. It is my duty to control every aspect of my life, and if you happen to be my boyfriend, well, then that means you’re an aspect of my life I need to control, especially if you live with me. You have to do things my way (because only my way of doing things is right, obviously). Sorry but that’s just how it is.
Like I said, every once in a while I come to the realization that that’s NOT how it is, that I don’t control everything – and that I don’t have to. There is a force out there (I think of it as love or the universe, you might call it God or something else) that takes care of me – if I let it. When I look back at my life, the most amazing things that happened to me did not happen because I planned them or made them happen. They just happened to me, where brought to me, so to say. Sure, I applied for my exchange years, but it wasn’t up to me to decide whether I’d get into the program or where I’d end up. I met Peter right after I decided there was no point in looking for a serious relationship while you’re abroad and you know you’re going back eight months later. The list goes on.
So when I have these epiphanies (yes, plural, I keep having them because I keep forgetting) I walk around for while relieved from the burden of having to control everything. I don’t feel the need to complain about anything, even when I notice things that do bother me. I don’t care what anyone does, i don’t feel the need that I constantly need to run around like a headless chicken, restless, trying to find ways to occupy myself in order to avoid silence.
And then I forget. Again. And again. On Thursday, for some reason control was important. I think the reason was general anxiety about the uncertainty of my/our future – also a recurring theme: I try to have faith that it’ll be great and it’ll all work out even if I don’t see how right now, and then I go back to driving myself crazy over not knowing. Control/Feeling in control always matters the most when I feel like everything I try to grab is running through my hands like water, and when I forget that I don’t have to be in control, that that doesn’t mean everything is going to hell.
I don’t like when food is being wasted – I have a hard time even leaving leftovers for (irrational, duh) fear of the food rotting before it gets eaten. No matter whether I am actually hungry or whether I like the food. I’ve told myself a thousand times that no one is saved from starvation by me not throwing out food but making myself sick instead. Obviously this irrational fear has a deeper root. Maybe from another life, but also very likely from how I experienced my childhood: that we bought a bunch of groceries, while the fridge was full, so half of what was in there really was molding.
So, when Peter threw away the avocados that I had bought for the guacamole because they were hard as rocks and unusable, I threw a fit. I screamed at him, why we couldn’t at least try to keep them a few days and see if they’d ripen (they were already cut open), and then I tossed a pot with some milk in it into the sink (also a leftover from Peter which had aroused my irritation earlier), and dramatically told him to go ahead and throw away everything. The best part is: I can’t even eat avocados, they give me stomach aches.
I calmed down and apologized. I always regret my outbursts afterward (I sincerely do), which does not mean I can’t have another one just a couple of minutes later.
I could already guess that it would piss me off when Peter would end up talking more to his friend whom we’d invited over than helping me. Even though it had been me who wanted to do this tex-mex shindig from scratch in the first place, and even though it had been me who wanted to do so many different things (the tortilla bread, the beef, two different salsas, a bacon-bean sauce, … you get the picture). I tried not to be too naggy. Then Peter made Mojitos (also on my demand, I had been able to get some fresh mint at the store), and did it – as he usually does – by only paying half attention to the recipe I had to remind him to look up several times, and shooting from the hip. There was about a deciliter (ca. half a cup) of rum with a few drops of lime, and some sugar in each glas, no ice, no mint, and instead of laughing, as I later wished I had done, I just got so mad. Again.
It looks so innocent right? Who knew mint could be involved in a nasty fight … Now you might want to jump in and say that this time I really had a point. When you want a mojito, you’re expecting something specific – and it is NOT a bottle of rum with a drop of lime and a grain of sugar. However, I think the point is something else here: I am convinced that, as much as Peter may have made an honest mistake (I know he did), this did not „just happen“. I believe that this happened to me because it was what I needed. When I am trying to gain control by force over things I cannot control, things need to happen to me that remind me of that. In my view, that’s how it works in general (I know that that’s not a popular view with everyone, at some point in my life I thought people who said stuff like this where ignorant). Therefore, I don’t believe either that it is coincidence that I am with someone who is particularly „uncontrollable“, who is spontaneous, gets lost in the moment, plays life by ear a lot of the times. It’s what I need. To learn.
My meltdowns then aren’t really about Peter, either (and he is wise, he knows, and doesn’t take them hard). This is what frustrates me: that even though I know this, I still keep taking it out on him in the situation. And although my apologies are earnest, I wish that I could just remember what I know to be true. Just a few moments earlier. Live and learn, right?
My (amazing, awesome, inspiring!) yoga teacher once said that the universe wants its own good, and we are part of the universe. I don’t like quotes very much but I find this thought worth hanging on to.
May we all feel like we’re taken care of and well protected. May we feel like we can let go of control where it isn’t ours.
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Favorite places | Kretsloppsparken Alelyckan
On Tuesday we paid a visit to one of my favorite places here in Gothenburg. Yes, it is a thrift-store – but the most amazing one I’ve ever been to. They have one huge building where you can find supplies you could probably build several houses with – doors, windows, appliances, the works. Then there is a regular thrift-store with books, and clothes, furniture and all that.
The thriftstore And then, there is the café …
I want to live here! And I want one like this! Not for sale. I asked. Figures, it would have been gone a long time ago … I cannot stress enough how much I want to live here. How cool is this? Just not very useful in a city where it rains so much … This part is sort of a little boutique where they sell earrings and bags and whatnot. All handmade. And gorgeous! Wheelchair? I am dragging pretty much anyone who comes to visit me to this place. Yeah, these pix aren’t from Tuesday either. … … But although it’s a little late/early for Christmas decoration I still liked the idea. Like, a lot. They sell used bikes, too. Really cool ones, too. Took these winter-y pictures when Gesine was here in January. Like I said: I make a lot of people go here with me … Finally some pix from Tuesday – of my purchase, that is. I almost didn’t want to go because I was afraid I would buy too much stuff. Luckily, I got away with 40 SEK (4,80€ | 6.30$).
I just couldn’t resist this enamel beauty. Bright yellow – floweriness | Spring in my heart -
DIY | Knitting Café
Last night I went to a knitting café for the first time. I had walked by the store the week before and had seen their sign that read „Knitting Café | Mondays 5pm – 8pm“ (well, ok, it said that in Swedish). I obviously didn’t happen to have my yarn and needles with me, plus I was on the way somewhere else. But I hoped I’d remember until this week – and I actually did!?
If this isn’t fate: I had a bag from the store where the knitting café was held. A really pretty bag, too. Ironically, the „project“ (= yarn, needle and instructions for a sweater jacket, no actual work started yet) I took with me was a birthday present that Peter had gotten me from that place. Two and a half years ago, ehem. It wasn’t even the same owner anymore, so technically I didn’t have to tell her that story and thus embarrass myself … oh well.
It’s going to be sweater when it’s big. I hope. There were four of us (including the shop owner), and although I’m afraid I was too busy counting in the beginning to be social and join in the conversation, it was nice. There were even sandwiches, and one of the ladies had brought cake since it was her birthday. When I joked that I had picked the right night to show up, I was informed that last week, another participant (who wasn’t there yesterday), had sort of „kidnapped“ them to her own home where she had prepared an entire dinner for the group. I am liking this already.
I even have the perfect buttons for the jacket. Yep, another thrift-store find. I was also relieved to find that these wonderful ladies weren’t judging me for being an amateur who has to look down at her project the whole time to see what she’s doing. Also, I am slow. I mean, I didn’t seriously worry about not being allowed to „play with the pros“ if I wasn’t on their level. I guess the competitive part of me kind of did worry exactly about that, though. Frowns and eye-rolling. Luckily, that part of me is just paranoid, and was obviously proven wrong.
This is the yarn Peter gave me. Organic wool with 15% camel hair. Better not mess this one up, huh? Oh yeah: Between all the chatter, coffee, sandwiches and cake, I did get started on that sweater jacket.
This is what I am hoping it will look like:
Here are the instructions, in case you want to beat me to it:
http://www.garnstudio.com/lang/us/pattern.php?id=3676&lang=us (you can change the language on the page)
A great site with lots of free patterns, by the way.
Does this make you sad because there are no knitting café near you? Well, how about starting your own? That’s one thing that struck me last night: I didn’t technically have to wait for this to happen to me. I could have done that myself. You know, invite a bunch of your friends, everybody brings what they want to work on, you take turns with the snacks, … Simple.
And if you want to go pro: Decorate according to the theme, like in Pyssla Duka Bjud.
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What a day
I am aware that today is Women’s Day. I just don’t know what to say. „Happy Women’s Day“ somehow always seems a little off, for while, yes, we have come a bit further, I don’t think we’ve made it quite yet. On the other hand I am not really in the right mind-set for writing a post about how „we“ still are suffering and suppressed (not that there wasn’t anything to write about, sadly). So I am executing my right as woman and a human being of not taking a stance on womanhood in general or my womanhood in particular today. I encourage everyone around me … to do whatever feels right for them.
Happy human day. All day. Everyday. Let’s let love rule and take it from there.
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A house of one’s own
Why even pretend to be modest. No, I don’t just want a room of my own, I want a house. Right now I have neither (who invented this bedroom-living-room situation for couples anyway?). What I do have is access to hemnet.se, a website where you can check out on a map which houses are for sale here in Sweden. I haven’t indulged in this kind of reverie in a while but Peter’s return from a visit to friends of ours who do live on the country-side, and most of all: the enthusiasm in his voice when he talked about it, led me back there. Who knows, maybe one of these is our future home???
It’s address is Solbergavägen – this must be fate! Don’t care too much for the blue but this would do, too. Classic Swedish red house – and I love those kind of porches. While I am dreaming anyway: why not this one??? -
Take me back to the desert!
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Spring fever…ish
I thought I had posted this last night but I guess I was too tired from work. Found it under „recent drafts“ just now. So this is „yesterday’s jam“, as Roy from the IT Crowd would say.
The days are getting longer, and most of all: lighter! It’s not until you see the sun again after a very long winter that you realize how much you’ve missed it. I know I did.
When I left the house this morning there was still ice on the ground … … I was greeted by the moon and a pastel sky so pretty it even made our neighborhood seem beautiful. The sun came out during the day … … and suddenly, spring seemed like a possibility. Nothing against these „guerrilla art cherry blossoms“ – but I can’t wait for the real deal.
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Food from a bird’s eye view
Today my bloglovin-feed made me smile:
I sense a trend here – VERY SUBTLE but if you look closely, you’ll see what I mean! Ko-inky-dink – or do we all read the same blogs? Either way, think of this as my attempt to pay homage to Sandra/Niotillfem and UnderbaraClara while contributing something new:
Can you guess what I had for breakfast??? Have a great Saturday everyone!
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5:57 pm – and still light!
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Which is your dominant dosha?
Here comes some of that „basic Ayurveda stuff“ I have been meaning to write about. I have been using terms such as „Pitta“, „dosha“ and „dominant dosha“ without actually explaining them. Maybe you’ve looked them up yourself, maybe you just overread them.
The ten pairs of gunas
Ayurveda is much about qualities (gunas) of things, more precisely: keeping the balance of pairs of qualities. The Charaka Samhita, tells of twenty different qualities, or ten pairs of qualities (a pair consisting of two opposite qualities):
- heavy – light
- cold – warm
- oily – dry
- dull – sharp
- static – mobile
- soft – hard
- cloudy – clear
- smooth – rough
- dense – porous
- solid – liquid
Two basic rules
These qualities are used to describe especially food but also the different doshas, our environment, etc. When it comes to the relationship of the pairs, Ayurveda knows two basic rules:
- Like increases like.
- Opposites balance each other.
It is important to remember that everything is relative here: „hot“ can be „cold“ when compared to something even hotter, etc. Also: like is often drawn to like. This is the part where listening to your intuition gets a little tricky. For example, sometimes your body seems to be craving exactly what it actually has too much of.
Space, Air, Fire, Water, Earth – the five elements
These qualities can also be found in the five elements, that everything in the world consists of – according to Ayurveda:
- Space – cloudiness
- Air – lightness, mobility, dryness
- Fire – warmth, lightness, sharpness, liquidity
- Water – cold, liquidity, softness, smoothness
- Earth – heaviness, density, stability
Vata, Pitta & Kapha – the three doshas
These five elements in turn make up the three vital energies (doshas) that are the foundation for all physical and mental processes in body and soul:
- Vata – consisting of air and space, air being the dominant element
- Pitta – consisting of fire and water, fire being dominant
- Kapha – consisting of water and earth, water being dominant
Click on the excerpts to get to the source and read a little more about each dosha:
Do you recognize yourself in any of this? Maybe in more than one dosha? That’s what I like about Ayurveda: although it may at first seem like this is about filing people away into one of three neat little drawers – the system is actually quite complex, and helpful and easy to apply to yourself all at once.
Your dosha constitution – your finger print
According to this, yes, we all are a combination of only these three doshas. Yet, there are many possible combinations: some have one very clearly dominant dosha, others two (with one being dominant over the second), very few are evenly balanced. Yet, even individuals who have the same dominant dosha (combination) can be very different, for each dosha has many qualities, and we all express different aspects of each dosha, so it’s kind of like with finger prints: we all have them, yet no two people’s finger prints are the same.
Obviously, there is a lot more to learn about this than I can convey in a single blog entry. This is really more to give you an overview of what I find fascinating. If you’re hooked: Once again, I recommend Judith H. Morrison’s The Book of Ayurveda. Also, for the Swedes among you: Skapa din hälsa med Ayurveda by Maivor Stigengreen (available in German as Ayurveda: Die eigene Gesundheit stärken).
So what is the point of knowing your dosha(s)?
To put it simply knowing your nature is what it takes for you to be able to live according to that nature. Maybe you are so in tune with your intuition that you already do – then you don’t need any of this. This is just the irony: Ayurveda is actually a tool for following your intuition – which only those of us need who have forgotten/“over-written“ our ability to do just that. My guess is that there are many more like me who have been taught, and allowed others to teach them to obey somebody else’s rules rather than the signs their own body gives them. How many of us weren’t taught that everybody in the family eats at the same time, the same food? But what if we have different needs? The idea to make everyone equal is not a bad one. However, we are not all the same, so what’s really important isn’t „the same for everyone“ but creating the same opportunity for everyone to meet their individual needs.Living in tune with your nature according to Ayurveda does not mean balancing out all three doshas so that you have exactly the same amount of each in you. Maintaining a balance means taking into account your personal dosha constitution and living according to it. This is nothing stable – your constituiton can change, and is dependent on factors such as environment, age, your particular situation in life (work environment, relationships, etc.). Everything is connected. Also, since like increases like, and like is often drawn to like, you will most likely develop imbalances in your dominant dosha(s).
Who are you?
Maybe you are curious now as to what your dominant dosha(s) might be, and whether you have any imbalances. Or maybe you just enjoy these kind of „personality tests“. Either way, here is a link to an online test. If you want to figure out whether you have any imbalances: take the test twice. Once answer according to your current situation, the second time answer according to what you would consider your normal state. The areas where you get different scores show you where your imbalance lies.
PS: This is a scheduled post by the way, like most everything today, Friday and Saturday will be. Contrary to what it may seem like, I am not a only a homemaker, I do have another job, one that society deems worthy of recognizing as such (= I get paid for that one). I have a weird schedule where I sometimes have long periods where I am off work, followed by days where I do nothing but work and sleep. So that’s that.