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Dauri’s & Bernard’s Wedding | Photo journal
DE – Gestern haben meine Kristallheilerlehrerin Dauri & ihr Bernard geheirtatet. So schön waren die beiden. <3 Von Herzen alles Gute zu Eurer Hochzeit und für Euer weiteres gemeinsames Leben.
EN – Yesterday my crytsal healer teacher Dauri and her Bernard got married. Such a beautiful couple! <3 Wishing you all things light and lovely for your new life as married couple.
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Mont Sainte Odile | Photo journal
DE – La und Christer sind diese Woche in Ribeauvillé, juhuu! Am Montag waren wir zusammen auf dem Odilienberg, einem ehemaligen Kloster mit Heilquelle. Da konnte man schön im Wald wandern, wie ihr seht:
EN – La and Christer are here in Ribeauvillé this week, yay! On Monday we went to Mont Sainte Odile, a former convent with a medicinal spring. We went for a little hike in the woods, as you can see:
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Wandana’s birthday | Photo journal
DE – Am Sonntag hatte Wandana Geburtstag. Gut, dass sie zum Amritabha-Team gehört, denn so durften wir ihr gaaanz uneigennützig eine Feier ausrichten, die mir so viel Spaß gemacht hat, als wäre es mein eigener Geburtstag gewesen. Also, vielleicht nicht in dem Augenblick, als mir klar wurde, dass es nicht mehr so viele Brombeeren gab, wie ich für den Kuchen verplant hatte und mir auffiel, dass ich auch keinen Plan B hatte … Aber ansonsten!
Wandana, wie schön, dass du geboren bist, wir hätten dich sonst sehr vermisst! Natürlich NICHT nur wegen der schönen Feier, in deren Genuss wir alle kommen durften! Dein Lachen & dein Humor, deine leckeren Mittagessen, deine Baumkarten- & -Essenzbehandlungen und überhaupt dein ganzes wudnervolles Wesen möchte ich wirklich nicht missen. :-* Alles Liebe, Lustige, Leckere wünsche ich dir für das neue Lebensjahr.
EN – This past Sunday, we celebrated Wandana’s birthday. Luckily, she’s a member of the Amritabha team. That way we „had to“ throw her a party, which we all then got to attend and enjoy. I had so much fun, it could have been my own b-day! Maybe not the second I realized that there weren’t as many boysenberries left as I had counted on for the cake, and that I hadn’t thought of a plan b … But otherwise!
Om Wandana, celebrate Wandana!
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Grie Sos, La vie en rose, New hat | Photo journal
DE – Zusammenfassung in Bildern seit, äh, der letzten Zusammenfassung in Bildern.
EN – Recap in pictures of what’s happened, well, since I last did a recap in pictures.
Grie Sos
DE – Letzte Woche war es endlich so weit: aus den Samen, die ich aus Frankfurt mitgebracht hatte, sind aller meiner Bemühungen zum trotz etwas geworden. 🙂 Und zwar Petersilie, Schnittlauch, Pimpinelle, Boretsch, Sauerampfer, Kerbel und Kresse. Zusammen mit Quark, Zitrone, Senf, Zucker, Salz und Pfeffer habe ich daraus Grüne Sauce gemacht. Dazu gab’s natürlich Kartoffeln und Ei.
EN – Last week I was finally able to make „green sauce“, a traditional meal from the Frankfort area. I had brought the seeds for the seven herbs you need, and despite all my efforts, they turned out pretty amazing. 🙂 Parsley, chives, burnet, sorrel, borage, chervil and pepperwort. Mixed with sour cream, lemon, mustard, sugar, salt and peppar, they become said green sauce. Traditionally served with potatoes and boiled eggs.
La vie en rose & new hat
DE – Das vergangene Wochenende stand hier in Ribeauvillé unter dem Motto „La vie en rose“. Die Schwedin in mir suchte nach der dahinter stehenden Marketingstrategie. Sie fand keine (nichtmal ein hashtag!?). Es war einfach alles rosa. Hat trotzdem irgendwie geklappt, ich habe einen Hut gekauft. Den brauchte ich WIRKLICH. Allerdings dann doch nicht unbedingt den für 345€ oder 195€ …
EN – This past weekend the Ribeauvilléans painted the town. Pink. The Swede in me was scanning this shindig for the underlying marketing strategy. Couldn’t find one (not even have a hashtag!?). Everything was just, you know, pink. It worked anyway. I bought a hat. I REALLY needed it. Just not the one for 345€. Or 195€ …
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Doing it anyway| Amritabha new moon theme: Accepting your power
Accepting your own power is this new moon cycle’s theme here at Amritabha. And it’s really got me going on all levels. It figures, since you can’t accept your power „just a little bit“. Either you’re doing it or you’re not. Daring to accept your power doesn’t mean everything will run smoothly once you made that decision. That’s the challenge: when you dare to do that, it means that you accept entering a situation without being sure of its outcome. Those who dare to do that don’t do it in the spirit of „I know how to do this 100%“. We do it in the spirit of „Maybe I don’t have it all figured out but I’m doing this anyway“.
What if I don’t have it in me?
During my stay here at Amritabha, I scored an amazing writing job. I was stoked. Up until the moment when it was time to finally sit down and get started. I freaked out. What’s worse: my mind just went blank. Yikes! I was admiring this person whom I was supposed to write for so much that I ended up putting myself under a ton of pressure. This just has to turn out GREAT! What if I can’t do it? What if they are wrong about me, and I just don’t have it in me?! Gulp. This. Is. Not.Working.
Ideas don’t come from me – they come through me
Suddenly I remembered: I can do this. That’s why I got this job in the first place. Of course it’s not going to work if I’m panicking. The only thing that does work is this: reminding myself that it’s not actually my mind that has to make all this up. When I write – no; when I write well – it doesn’t come from me. It comes through me. It’s ideas, sentences, thoughts that are floating out there in the space surrounding me, waiting for me to catch them. The only thing I need to do is be aware of it, open myself to the process, and allow myself to become the channel for these ideas and words. It’s simple yet challenging. This approach only requires one single thing of me: unconditional trust in my intuition. The certainty that whatever it is I am perceiving is exactly what wants to be said.
Clearing myself, opening up, being present – I want to live my life the way I give crystal healing
I discovered this technique, this understanding of the creative process, during my crystal healer training with Dauri Neumann. Somehow I just had this trust in myself there. It was easy for me to accept that I couldn’t plan the sessions ahead or prepare them in any other way. The only thing I could do was clear my mind, open up, and be present – to the recipient of the treatment, to the healing that wanted to come through me and the stones, and to the assistance of the divine. That was a very powerful experience, and I thought „I want to live my life the way I give crystal healing“.
This approach comes pretty easy as long as I’m writing for myself. I’m free, don’t have any particular point in mind I want to make, I can just allow myself to see where my writing is going. That copy job had different prerequisites, so my mind started rolling this film like I’ve trained it to do for years: You should know your stuff better! I can’t say anything meaningful until I’ve done more research! You have no idea what you’re doing! So far you’ve always managed to get by but this time they’ll call your bluff! And so on. It was a total blast from the past, the high school and university years. My performance was always excellent, and still I always panicked at some point when writing my papers.
You don’t deliver because of the stress but in spite of it
Back then I thought that this pressure, this stress was the part of the process that made sure I delivered. I think differently now. I did not deliver because of that fear of failure. I delivered in spite of it. The way I see things now, I was afraid because I didn’t know where my thoughts really came from, and why they were good. How could I possibly be sure it would work the next time? For my thoughts didn’t come from my intellect back then, either. They came through it. It was the same principle at work there, even if I wasn’t aware of it: thoughts were buzzing in the air around me and I just caught them. Of course you need to dive into in a topic, do your research. However, if I’d been aware back then of the learning/writing process the way I see it today, I probably would have trusted my instinct with more ease, when it came to determining what was enough information.
The message of listlessness: this isn’t going anywhere
That feeling did exist: it entered the stage as listlessness. I thought I needed to make myself read more (it was never enough!). I often failed at that. That brought on the guilt: You’ve done way too little again! There were few moments where I could acknowledge the thought that I was reluctant towards work because it was not really meaningful. It was only serving one purpose: soothing my conscience, so that I could assure myself I’d done enough.
Accept your doubt just as much as you accept your power – that way you’ll be able to get it done
This look at the past that this writing job granted me was an opportunity to break the spell. Not only do I know now that I want to live my life the way I give crystal healing treatments. I am finally convinced that it’s possible.
How do I prove myself I’m right? Very simple, very challenging: I’m doing it. With my fears, doubts, and my resistance. It helps to remember that all they want to do is play. You can do it anyway.
Open yourself to the wonders that want to come into the world through you
That’s what I mean when I talk about accepting your power: opening up to the wonders that want to come into this world through us (the small ones just as much as the big ones). Trusting that we are provided with everything we need to manifest them. Not to waste our power fighting our doubt but keep trusting. Trusting that our power is sufficient to both manifest our dreams, and carry that doubt.
Recommended reading
Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert was a real eye-opener for me when it comes to the creative process. I was especially inspired by Gilbert’s description of how she deals with fears and doubt. It makes it impossible not to love them. According to my not so humble opinion this book is a must-read. Not just for artists but for everyone who wants to live a happy and fulfilled life.
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Egal, ich mach das jetzt einfach trotzdem | Amritabha Monatsthema: Die eigene Kraft annehmen
Das Thema dieses Neumondzyklus hier in Amritabha – die eigene Kraft annehmen – beschäftigt mich sehr, auf vielen (wenn nicht allen) Ebenen. Kein Wunder! Schließlich kann man die eigene Kraft nicht nur „ein bisschen“ annehmen – entweder man wagt es, oder eben nicht. Es zu wagen bedeutet nicht, dass dann alles reibungslos verläuft. Etwas zu wagen ist ja die Bereitschaft, sich auf eine Situation mit unbekanntem Ausgang einzulassen. Der Schlachtruf derer, die die eigene Kraft annehmen ist nicht „Ich kann das perfekt!“ sondern „Egal, ich mach das jetzt einfach trotzdem!“.
Was, wenn da nichts kommt?
Ich habe während meines Aufenthaltes hier in Amritabha einen tollen Textauftrag bekommen. Ich habe mich unglaublich darüber gefreut – bis zu dem Augenblick, als es daran ging, mich hinzusetzen und loszulegen. Totale Panik! Noch schlimmer: totale Leere im Kopf! Hilfe! Ich bewundere die Person, für die ich texte so sehr, dass ich mich total unter Druck setzte. Das hier muss großartig werden! Was, wenn da nichts kommt? Was, wenn die sich doch in mir täuschen und ich nicht das Zeug hierzu habe!? Schluck. So. Wird. Das. Nichts.
Ideen kommen nicht aus mir – sie kommen durch mich
Plötzlich dringt die Erinnerung zu mir durch: ich kann das hier. Deshalb habe ich den Job ja bekommen. Natürlich geht nichts, wenn ich mich in die Panik reinsteigere. Das einzige, was wirklich funktioniert ist das hier: mich daran erinnern, dass es nicht wirklich mein Kopf ist, der sich das alles hier ausdenkt. Wenn ich schreibe – nein: wenn ich gut schreibe – dann kommt das nicht aus mir. Es kommt durch mich. Es sind Ideen, Sätze, Gedanken, die im Raum herumschwirren und darauf warten, von mir eingefangen zu werden. Das einzige, was ich zu tun habe, ist, mir dessen bewusst zu sein, mich dafür zu öffnen und mich zum Kanal für diese Ideen und Worte zu machen. Es ist ganz einfach und gleichzeitig eine Herausforderung. Diese Vorgehensweise verlangt nur eines von mir: bedingungsloses Vertrauen in meine Intuition. Die Gewissheit, dass das, was ich wahrnehme genau das ist, was gesagt werden will.
Leeren, öffnen, präsent sein – So, wie ich Kristallbehandlungen gebe, möchte ich mein ganzes Leben leben
Diese Technik, oder dieses Verständnis des kreativen Prozesses, habe ich durch Dauri Neumanns Kristallheilerausbildung für mich entdeckt. Da hatte ich dieses Vertrauen in mich selbst „einfach so“. Es fiel mir leicht zu akzeptieren, dass ich die Behandlungen nicht im Voraus planen oder auf irgendeine Art vorbereiten konnte. Das einzige, was ich tun konnte, war, mich zu leeren, mich zu öffnen und dann präsent zu sein – für den Menschen, dem meine Behandlung galt, für die Heilung, die durch mich und die Steine geschehen wollte und für die Hilfe geistiger Helfer. Das war eine sehr mächtige Erfahrung und ich dachte, „So, wie ich Kristallbehandlungen gebe, möchte ich mein ganzes Leben führen“.
Wenn ich für mich schreibe, dann mache ich das inzwischen ganz automatisch so – dann bin ich ja frei, muss auf nichts Bestimmtes hinaus, kann einfach schauen, was da kommt. Der Textauftrag hatte natürlich andere Voraussetzungen, weshalb erstmal das Kopfprogramm in Gang ging, das ich mir über Jahre hinweg antrainiert habe: Du müsstest viel besser informiert sein! Ich kann da nichts zu sagen, bevor ich nicht mehr recherchiert habe! Du kannst das doch nicht! Bisher konnest du dich immer irgendwie durchmogeln, aber diesmal fliegst du auf! Etc. Es war ein déjà-vu aus der Schul- und Unizeit. Ich habe immer sehr gute Leistungen erbracht – und trotzdem bei jeder Hausarbeit diese Panik geschoben. Und es dann doch wieder irgendwie hinbekommen.
Leistung erbringt man nicht aufgrund von Druck, sondern trotzdem
Damals dachte ich, dass der Stress dazugehört, dass er Teil des Prozesses sei, der die Leistung erzeugt. Heute weiß ich, dass das Quatsch ist. Ich habe meine Leistungen nicht aufgrund dieser Versagensängste und des Stresses erzielt, sondern trotzdem. Was mir Angst machte, so sehe ich das heute, war, dass ich ja nicht wusste, woher meine Gedanken wirklich kamen, warum sie gut waren. Wie sollte ich da sicher sein können, dass das beim nächsten Mal auch so sein würde? Sie kamen eben auch schon damals nicht aus meinem Intellekt, sondern durch ihn. Es war das gleiche Prinzip, auch wenn es mir nicht bewusst war: die Gedanken schwirrten um mich herum und ich fing sie ein. Klar muss man sich in Themen einarbeiten und dazu recherchieren. Aber wäre mir der Lern-/Schreibprozess, wie ich ihn heute sehe, schon damals bewusst gewesen, dann hätte ich vermutlich mit mehr Leichtigkeit auf mein Gespür vertraut, wann ich genug Information angesammelt habe.
Die Botschaft der Lustlosigkeit: das hier bringt nichts
Das Gefühl gab es nämlich auch schon damals: es äußerte sich als Lustlosigkeit. Ich glaubte, mich dazu zwingen zu müssen, noch mehr zu lesen (denn es war ja niemals genug!). Oft gelang mir das nicht. Dann kam das schlechte Gewissen. Wieder viel zu wenig getan! Ganz selten gab es Momente der Einsicht, in denen ich kurz den Gedanken zulassen konnte, dass ich so widerwillig an die Arbeit ging, weil sie nicht wirklich sinnvoll war. Dass sie nur dazu diente, mein Gewissen zu beruhigen, dass ich auch wirklich fleißig genug gewesen sei.
Nimm deine Kraft genauso an wie den Zweifel – dann schaffst du es trotzdem
Dieser Blick in die Vergangenheit, den mir dieser Schreibauftrag bescherte, war eine gute Gelegenheit, den Bann zu brechen. Ich weiß inzwischen nicht nur, dass ich mein Leben wie meine Kristallbehandlungen gestalten möchte. Ich bin darüber hinaus endlich überzeugt, dass das möglich ist.
Wie ich mir das beweise? Ganz einfach und ganz schön aufregend: ich tue es. Mit allen Ängsten, Zweifeln und Widerständen im Schlepptau. Da hilft es, wenn ich mich an diese Wahrheit erinnere: die tun nichts, die wollen nur spielen. Du schaffst das trotzdem.
Öffne dich für die Wunder, die durch dich in die Welt kommen wollen
Das verstehe ich darunter, die eigene Kraft anzunehmen: uns für all die Wunder zu öffnen durch uns in die Welt kommen wollen (die großen wie die kleinen). Darauf zu vertrauen, dass wir mit allem ausgestattet sind und versorgt werden, was wir dazu brauchen, um sie zu verwirklichen. Unsere Kraft nicht damit zu verpulvern, unsere Zweifel zu bekämpfen, sondern auch hier zuversichtlich zu sein. Ins Vertrauen darauf zu gehen, dass unsere Kraft ausreicht, sowohl unsere Träume zu verwirklichen als auch gleichzeitig den Zweifel mitzutragen.
Lesetip
Was mir sehr viele Aha-Momente beschert hat, wenn es um den kreativen Prozess und um Inspiration geht, ist das Buch Big Magic von Elisabeth Gilbert. Besonders inspirierend ist, wie humorvoll sie ihren Umgang mit Ängsten und Zweifeln beschreibt. Da kann man gar nicht mehr anders, als die auch lieb zu haben. Meiner nicht wirklich bescheidenen Meinung zufolge ist das Buch ein Muss! Nicht nur für Künstler, sondern für alle, die ein glückliches und erfülltes Leben führen wollen.
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No excuses | Accepting your power
DE – Hier könnt ihr meinen aktuellen Beitrag zum Amritabha-Monatsthema – Begegne deiner Kraft – auf deutsch lesen. Und hier auf englisch:
EN – Creating from a state of perfection the theme of this past new moon cycle here at Amritabha. Meeting and accepting our power is the step that follows organically. My own being, and the power that wants to be expressed through me become visible when I ask myself this question: „If all the ifs and buts in the world didn’t matter, what would you want to do?“ So far it always turns out that all the ifs and buts really don’t matter. The path becomes visible when we decide to walk it.
It’s all here
A little recap: Creating from a state of perfection means recognizing that we already have everything we need in order to manifest our heaven here on earth. Whatever it is we carry within is „good enough“. We don’t need to wait for a better version of ourselves or the world. If that is true, all our flaws and apparent mistakes can’t really mess up the creative process. They don’t keep us from expressing our being, or from living our heaven on earth.
There are no wrong choices, there is only „What do you really want?“
Thus, bad choices or mistakes don’t really exist, not in the sense we usually think of them anyway. If there are no mistakes, no bad choices we put a brake on our creative process for as long as we aim to „make the right choice“ or „avoid the wrong choice“. I’ve been having a very clear sense that this isn’t working anymore for a while now. It’s a voice inside that calls me out whenever I’m trying and make a choice that way. That voice tells me: „This isn’t going anywhere. You need to ask yourself: what do you want?“ For me this is the voice of the Divine Mother by the way.
Don’t distract yourself – just get started
I am also noticing that it’s becoming impossible to base my decisions on calculations of any potential outcome. Regardless of whether they might be positive or negative! I have been putting myself out there on social media a little more lately, with blog posts and pictures. Sometimes part of me doesn’t really feel like sharing because I feel like too much of a mess to want to be seen. Other times part of me really wants to post something because it’s nice to be seen, to get recognition and praise. The point is: even though I don’t want my actions to be steered by these motives, they still need to have permission to exist. If I waited for the moment when I’ve „finally risen above“ all that, I wouldn’t be able to do anything!
As the Divine Mother puts it: „Maybe you have all these reasons why you shouldn’t do this. And maybe you have all these reasons why you want to do that, which you think aren’t „pure“ enough. Don’t let yourself get distracted by that. The question is still the same: what do you want to do? Then do it.“
No more excuses – make a decision, and then follow through
That is what facing your own power and accepting it means to me: figuring out what it is we carry within, what it is that wants to come into this world through us – and then make that decision to manifest these wishes. When we recognize that there will never be that perfect moment in time, the right choice, that perfect version of ourselves, which we think we need in order to start creating our heaven, then we’re suddenly out of excuses. No reasons left why we shouldn’t manifest our dreams and visions.
Does that mean that fear is out of the equation? Of course not. Not accepting our power and not expressing our true self is safe: that way we may not be loved for who we really are but at least we cannot be rejected for it either. We’ve been there enough times to know: never again!
Express your true self with all its aspects – it’s the only way to make an impact
But times have changed, right? These days I only feel drawn to people who are authentic. Those who don’t have an answer to every question, but who are brave to admit openly when they are clueless or desperate when facing a certain situation. Those who are not interested in convincing me of their flawlessness. Those who dare to simply be themselves. The visible success of these people is proof enough for me to understand I am not the only one longing for this kind of honesty. It speaks to all of us, and we know perfectly well when someone is trying to sell us „authenticity“, or rather when they are trying to sell us something under the guise of authenticity. I am convinced that this is the age where we can only truly touch others by expressing our true being with all that encompasses. That by the way is one of the wishes of my being: to touch others.
Amritabha makes you face your power
Amritabha is supporting me when it comes to accepting my power, recognizing my being, and expressing both. That is an understatement, actually: I feel like I don’t have much choice. Ever since my arrival it has become more and more difficult to be in denial about what really is part of me, and to see what is just some sort of old „program“ that kicks in sometimes. The inner child workshop which I took here has contributed a lot there. But I also feel very clearly that it is this place itself that encourages this growth. Not so strange after all, since Amritabha is a temple of creation. I am still very happy to have the opportunity to spend an entire summer here. I couldn’t have dreamed up these past seven weeks. Can’t wait to see what the remaining six have in store for me.
Love and light
Sarine
PS: It doesn’t have to be three months. If you’re curious what Amritabha might have in store for you, there are many different ways to find out. The château is open to the public every day, and we love to have company. The daily meditations are public and free as well. If you’d like to spend a little more time but still be independent, you can book the guest room (via airbnb or directly at the office – +33 3 89 73 24 60 | info@amritabha.de). And then there are all those wonderful seminars and events. Check out the Amritabha event calendar for details – or follow us on facebook to keep track. Last but not least: if you’re thinking „I want what she’s having!“ – the three-month Amritabha experience – contact Fe San (fesan@amritabha.de |+33.389.732460). Just keep in mind that not every journey is the same. <3
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Find clarity, love yourself, be joyful
There has been a lot going on in my life lately. Internally as well as externally. Something has been put into motion, a lot of wonderful, happy things have come my way. Along with them came old fears. The fear that that happiness could be taken away from me again at any point, for example. The fear that this kind of happiness, the effortlessness of it all, cannot be real. I sometimes have a hard time talking about what’s happening to me when I’m still in the middle of it. Partly because I am reluctant to show myself being „undone“, partly because I simply lack the clarity to express what’s going on. Sill I want to share with you whatever it is I am capable of expressing. So here’s „the facts“ of what’s been going on lately:
1. I did Sina Nanasi’s Inner Child workshop. It’s been two weeks and I still haven’t written much about it since I keep thinking „I need a quiet minute to do this“. Thing is, there’s really never a quiet minute around here, there’s always something going on. I guess I’m just going to have to make time one of these days. This much I can tell you right now: My mind is completely blown, and I am crazy in love. With myself, with Sina Nanasi. With everyone and everything. Pretty much all the time. Except for when everything sucks all of a sudden. The spiritual term for that is „being in the middle of a process“. Or having issues. Apparently it’s a part of this life on earth. Anyways.
Before the workshop. 2.As I was saying: never a dull moment around here. After the workshop, which lasted six days, there was the meet-up week of Fe San’s students. I knew I was going to be involved (I got to help redo the unicorn power place) but I could not have imagined the extent. I met lots of wonderful people, and I felt like I fit right in with the group. I also had the pleasure of taking lots of pretty pictures of both the lovely students and their/our activities.
The unicorn power place got a new unicorn. By Bensa. The water place was redone as well. … and inaugurated with a meditation among other things. We stayed up one night, and Fe San lit nine fires with transforming powers. When it was time to go to bed, i just had to snap a picture of the sunrise. The perfect ending for this magical night. With Irka and Mandro on the last night of the student week. <3 photo credit: Savadharma. 3.Speaking of pictures: I’ve had the honor and joy of being requested for three photo shootings these past weeks!? Photography has totally been a „just for fun“ thing for me, so this was completely unexpected but still very welcomed. Writing is fun, too, but I think I have accumulated so many expectations and ambitions in that area, that sometimes it’s hard to keep that effortlessness that you have when you are new to something. I was very much into the filming classes I took at Midsweden University and Ung Film in Sundsvall, Sweden, which both helped me understand a few things about what works and what doesn’t in photography. Still I never considered this as an option for me, career-wise. So it’s like I said: sheer fun. Perfect proof that this is what life is about: when I am doing things for the fun of it, I do them pretty well, and it’s that joy that speaks to others.
Speaking of joy: we’ve got plums in our yard! Yum! Adorning myself with plums and borrowed plumes. Didn’t pick those plums, and didn’t take that picture (or the one before). All credit goes to Samor Heinen. 4. I realized that there is plenty of space for several great loves in my life. I don’t nee to choose between photography OR writing. Writing is here to stay, of course! I’ve scored some freelance work there, too. It’s just starting, and I am super excited about the project!
All of this is new to me, and at the same time it’s a very liberating „I knew it!“. It’s new to deliberately express the things I have been feeling withing for a long time (for ever?). It challenges me from time to time. It makes me face practical questions on freelance work in general, which I have been reluctant to pursue because it seemed daunting (yet I’ve had this feeling I might not be among those who are happy with the classic 9-5 employee situation).
The biggest challenge which this living joy thing is that it is facing me with my doubt whether this really is possible. This doubt shows up in the form of fear that I might get so caught up in these moments of joy that I forget „Something Really Important“ – and that I’ll get in trouble for that. Hasn’t happened yet (well, I have spaced stuff, but not „Something Really Important“ yet, and I haven’t gotten into trouble for it, either).
Doubt also shows up when it comes to the money part. Suddenly I am becoming aware that I have this funny notion that I couldn’t possibly ask money for something I enjoy doing so much!? Let alone from people whom I like so much!? There’s that part of me that finds this outrageously brazen. Sure, since working with something I don’t really enjoy, with people I don’t care for all that much, is such a wonderful alternative. Not.
I am happy to welcome all these processes, issues and this doubt into my life. They are part of the package if you choose the good stuff. And I wouldn’t want to miss out on that! There is no security, there is only this false sense of „security“. I’d rather experience life with everything it involves than avoid it. One of my insights from the inner child workshop.
This is a process, too: I planted a bunch of herbs when I arrived here at Amritabha in the hopes that I would be able to make a traditional dish from the Frankfurt area („Green sauce“). Those puppies almost died on me twice but the current status is making me feel hopeful. -
Klarheit finden, sich selber lieben, Freude leben
Es passiert sehr viel bei mir zur Zeit. Im Innen wie im Außen. Es ist etwas in Bewegung gekommen, es entsteht viel Schönes, Freudiges. Damit melden sich gleichzeitig auch alte Ängste. Dass mir die Freude wieder genommen werden könnte, ist eine von diesen Ängsten. Dass das nicht sein darf, einfach glücklich sein. Leichtigkeit leben. Wenn ich mitten drin bin im Geschehen, fällt es mir schwer, darüber zu erzählen. Weil ich mich schwer damit tue, mich so „unfertig“ zu zeigen. Aber auch, weil mir einfach die Klarheit fehlt, auszudrücken, was da gerade mit mir passiert. Ich habe trotzdem noch den Wunsch, euch teilhaben zu lassen an meinem Leben. Deshalb kommt hier einfach eine kleine Zusammenfassung, was so „faktenmäßig“ in letzter Zeit in meinem Leben passiert ist:
1. Ich habe an Sina Nanasis Seminar „Das innere Kind – Verlieb dich in dich selbst“ teilgenommen. Das ist jetzt schon über zwei Wochen her und ich habe noch immer nichts darüber geschrieben, weil ich denke „Da will ich mich mal in Ruhe hinsetzen“. Die Ruhe lässt auf sich warten, es passiert ständig etwas Neues. So viel sei gesagt: Ich bin begeistert und verliebt – in mich und in Sina Nanasi. Und alle und alles. Ständig. Außer, wenn plötzlich wieder mal alles Mist ist. Dafür gibt es sogar spirituelle Fachausdrücke: „Im Prozess sein“. Oder: „Ein Thema haben“. Gehört offensichtlich zum irdischen Leben dazu. Na dann.
Vor dem Seminar. 2. Wie gesagt, die Ruhe lässt auf sich warten: nach dem Seminar, das sechs Tage ging, war Schülertreffen von Fe San, das ebenfalls eine Woche andauerte. Ich wusste zwar, dass ich in der Woche involviert sein würde (ich durfte bei der Neugestaltung des Einhornplatzes mitwirken), aber ich hatte keine wirkliche Vorstellung davon, was das bedeuten würde. 🙂 Ich habe mich sehr wohl gefühlt in der Gruppe und habe jede Menge schöne Begegnungen gehabt und jede Menge schöne Bilder von schönen Menschen machen dürfen.
Der Einhornplatz hat ein neues Einhorn bekommen. Gezeichnet von Bensa. Der Wasserplatz wurde auch neu gestaltet. … und eingeweiht, u. a. mit einer Meditation. Eine Nacht während der Schülerwoche sind wir aufgeblieben und Fe San hat für uns neun Feuer entzündet, die für sehr kraftvolle Tranformation sorgten. Als ich ins Bett ging „musste“ ich noch schnell ein Bild vom Sonnenaufgang machen. Der perfekte Abschluss für diese zauberhafte Nacht. Mit Irka und Mandro am letzten Abend der Schülerwoche. <3 Fotocredit: Savadharma. 3. A propos Bilder: Ich habe ganz überraschend aber natürlich hocherfreulich drei Aufträge in den vergangenen zwei Wochen gehabt!? Das Fotografieren ist für mich ja so eine „Das mache ich einfach, weil es mir Spaß macht“-Geschichte. Schreiben macht mir auch Spaß, aber da kann ich mir manchmal mit meinen Ansprüchen an mich selbst im Weg stehen, was dann die Leichtigkeit auch schon mal rausnimmt. Fotografie habe ich (trotz meiner Begeisterung für den Filmkurs damals an der Uni) nie als einen beruflichen Weg für mich gesehen. Deshalb steht da eindeutig die reine Freude im Fokus. Ein sehr schöner Beweis dafür, dass es in meinem Leben darum geht: Dinge aus Freude zu tun, dann mache ich sie auch ganz gut – und die Freude spricht dann auch andere an.
A propos Freude: Pflaumen im Garten! Lecker! Fremde Federn stehen mir auch ganz gut, oder? Habe weder die Pflaumen gepflückt, noch dieses Bild (oder das vorige) gemacht. All credit goes to Samor Heinen. 4. Ich stelle fest, dass ich gut viele große Lieben in meinem Leben haben kann. Muss mich nicht fürs Fotografieren ODER Schreiben entscheiden. Das Schreiben bleibt also natürlich trotzdem! Auch da habe ich kurz nach meiner Ankunft hier in Amritabha ja einen freien Auftrag erhalten. Das Projekt läuft jetzt gerade an und das freut mich auch riesig.
Das alles ist für mich neu und gleichzeitig ist es irgendwie ein sehr befreiendes „Ich hab’s doch gewusst“. Es ist neu für mich, bewusst das zum Ausdruck zu bringen, was ich in meinem Inneren schon lange (immer?) gespürt habe. Es stellt mich vor Herausforderungen, wie mich mit praktischen Fragen zum Thema Freiberuflichkeit zu beschäftigen, wovor ich mich ja lange gescheut habe (obwohl ich gleichzeitig auch schon eine Weile gespürt habe, dass meiner Natur eine klassische Angestelltensituation vielleicht nicht wirklich entspricht).
Die größere Herausforderung ist, dass mich dieses ganze Freude-Leben mit dem Zweifel konfrontiert, ob das denn wirklich möglich ist. Der Zweifel zeigt sich in Form der Befürchtung, dass ich vor lauter Spaßhaben an dem, was ich tue, vielleicht plötzlich etwas „Wirklich Wichtiges“ verschussele – und dann dafür von jemandem zusammengefaltet werde. Ist bisher noch nicht passiert (also, das Verschusseln schon, allerdings nicht von etwas „Wirklich Wichtigem“, das Zusammengefaltetwerden auch nicht). Der Zweifel zeigt sich aber auch ganz massiv im Geldthema. Da werden dann plötzlich so schrullige Überzeugungen sichtbar wie „Was, du kannst doch kein Geld für etwas verlangen, was dir so viel Spaß macht!? Und schon gar nicht von Menschen, die du so nett findest! Wie unverschämt!“. Äh, ja klar, weil das ja auch so toll funktioniert mit dem Geldverdienen an Dingen, die keinen Spaß machen, mit Leuten, die man nicht so gerne mag …
Ich nehme gerne die ganzen Prozesse, Themen und Zweifel in Kauf, denn wenn ich sie vermeiden würde, würde ich mir ja auch die ganze Freude versagen. Es gibt keine Sicherheit, es gitb nur „Sicherheit“. Ich habe lieber ein Leben mit allem Drum und Dran, als so eine gemäßigte, graue „Sicherheit“. Auch eine Selbsterkenntnis aus dem Inneres-Kind-Seminar.
Auch so ein Prozess: ich habe zu Beginn meiner Zeit hier Kräuter für Grüne Sauße ausgesät. Sind mir schon zweimal fast abgenippelt, aber der aktuelle Stand stimmt mich doch ganz zuversichtlich. -
No regrets | Half-time at Amritabha
DE – Ich habe für den Amritabha-Blog einen Artikel geschrieben, in dem ich auf die erste Hälfte (!?) meines Aufenthalts hier zurückblicke und über das Thema Schöpfung aus der eigenen Vollkommenheit schreibe. Hier geht’s zum Artikel:
Nichts zu bereuen – Die innere Reise von Sarine
Hier die englische Version.
EN – I wrote an article for the Amritabha blog. It’s about the theme of this (past) new moon (Creating from Perfection), as well as a recap of my time here so far. (Can’t believe six weeks are up already!?). Here comes the English version:
The new moon cycle is coming to a close. „Creating from perfection“ is its theme, which, of course, is really a lifelong theme. It won’t stop and it’s been here the whole time. That has been a key for me, a returning insight over the past weeks: It’s all been here the whole time.
I have been thinking about how I still haven’t submitted anything on this month’s theme (all of us living here wanted to share something). It made me nervous – this is supposed to be my thing, right!? This morning I woke up early, even though I had planned on skipping both a.m. meditations, to finally sleep in for once. Suddenly – seemingly out of nowhere – I remembered the text I wrote on my very first day here at Amritabha. I had no specific intention with it, other than getting off my chest what was happening to me. And, lo and behold: everything really has been here all along.
Six weeks have passed, and as I was reading the text, I see that everything I have come to understand during my time here, everything I’ve learned at the inner child seminar I took, was already present in some way on that very first day:
„A little while ago I saw an interview with Agni, in which he talked about how people are so focused on their problems. He said that those problems would cease to exist if we focused on our potential instead.
That really struck a chord with me because it’s exactly what I do – I scrutinize myself, I examine everything I am doing wrong, all the areas that are „under construction“ in my life, everything I just HAVE to improve. It’s never enough. Then I remembered what I had discovered while going through my old blog posts a while earlier: that I had actually lived the country life I had dreamed of, that the idea that I had abandoned it before I really got started was just that – my idea, not the facts. And I’ve written and published books, yet I suffer from time to time because I supposedly never became an author …
Suddenly this thought popped into my mind: what if get to the end of my life, look back, and don’t find anything to regret. What if I find that there was nothing to regret all along, that I hadn’t done anything wrong, that I’d always been on the right track!?
What if the only thing I’d regret would be paying so much attention to that inner monologue. That voice that keeps telling me that it’s not enough. That I should be doing something else. That I should be someone else. That voice that keeps telling me that there is going to be something to regret.
This epiphany that I really don’t have anything to regret except for the lack of appreciation towards myself overwhelmed me, and I started to cry. Then I wrote a song.
Such a gift! It’s good to see what really needs to change in my life: it’s not my actions, it’s my attitude towards myself. No need to wait till I’m on my deathbed, I get to do that now, at the age of 34. It shows me what it means to be Here and Now and live life to the fullest. This is it. This moment right here.
When it comes to the energy required, it makes very little difference whether I am dreaming about writing a book (or a song) or whether I’m actually doing it. That moment I decided to permit myself everything that brings me joy. Not just planning on doing it and then putting it off. I decided to dedicate as much time as possible to things I enjoy doing. I didn’t want to get discouraged anymore by my thoughts and ambitions, and abandon a project halfway through just because „nobody cares anyway“ or because „there’s a thousand others who are doing it better than me“.
Maybe I’m not one of those who go all in and pour all their time and energy into one thing. Maybe I will at some point. Maybe I’m scared to lose myself. Maybe it’s easier for me to start low and do a little bit of everything every day. Maybe that’ll change things. Either way, the point is: DOING IT, without asking why, without trying to justify, just doing what I enjoy, for no other reason. Then I won’t have anything to regret.
And like I said: despite all my high standards I have always done what I wanted – I was just kind of careless about seeing to it that I do it out of and with joy.
That evening there was a darshan ceremony, or rather, one could choose between MaRa’s blessing and Agni’s darshan. I thought „Go where the fear is“. So I went to Agni. I had been putting myself under pressure about this, thinking „What if I shut down, what if I can’t open up and end up feel nothing?!“ I gave it a chance anyway. As I was facing Agni, my heart was beating like crazy, my fear was back, and I could tell it was the fear of myself, the fear of my own greatness.
As I sat down again, a question rose up inside me: „Can you forgive yourself for being afraid of yourself and your own greatness?“ That’s when the floodgates opened and tears started flowing. I went to the kitchen, made some tea and sat by myself for a while. More tears came when I could feel that it was never my fear that was the problem but my harshness towards myself. Every time the question returned – Can you forgive yourself for being afraid? – a new wave of tears washed over me. It was the only answer I could think of.
I felt helpless because I couldn’t decide whether that meant „Yes, I forgive myself“ or „No, I can’t“. I decided to take this as the wish to forgive myself, and the becoming aware of this wish. Maybe crying was the healing process, and I’d know it was finished when the question didn’t make me cry anymore. When there would only be knowing: I have already forgiven myself.
This is where all the paths in my life lead me: it is never my weaknesses, flaws, failures that are the problems. It’s the conviction that I should and could live without them, this battle against myself. I will never be able to win that one. At worst it will lead me to look back at my life with regret because all I will be able to see are mistakes and weaknesses. At best it will make me look back at my life realizing that there was no need for regret, that everything had been good and right, that I just hadn’t permitted myself to see it that way. I want to live in that awareness now, that everything is good and right just the way it is. For I am not living my life to be able to look back at it at some point and evaluate it. If that were the point, I could have stopped a long time ago. I want to live in the awareness that I am living for this moment. I want to shape every moment so that it holds the maximum amount of joy. That’s the kind of life I’d like to look back on. at some point.“
When I look back at the past six weeks in Amritabha, I see and feel a lot of joy. I don’t know what this summer would look like if I were spending it elsewhere. This much I know: Amritabha is a really good place to be creative, and to create from this state of perfection that is the present – with all our imperfections. I have been bringing more joy into my life, and I have been allowing more joy to come to me than ever before. It is easy. But guess what, that doesn’t make my problems disappear. Nope. Negative emotions come and go, even more often than I am used to. The inner critic is as diligent as ever, chastising me and pointing out my flaws. However, I am getting better and better at remembering that this is part of life. It’s all good, yet I don’t need to pour more attention into this part than necessary. I may keep directing my attention towards joy. That, too, is easy in this place and with the people who live here.
Thank you, Amritabha. Thank you, Fe San, Jaruh, Sina, Joshua, SoLa, Wandana & Samor. Words can’t begin to describe how much I enjoy being with you.
Love always
Sarine