Sometimes I make a wish, and I only become aware later of what that wish actually meant. I become aware of it when I experience its fulfillment.
Like now on this trip: I keep seeing my wishes getting fulfilled constantly, and how in a way their fulfillment is different from what I had thought yet at the same time exactly what I wished for.
The tree house epiphany
I had a moment like that today when Frida’s fiancé Jason told me the story behind his tree house. I suddenly remembered how I had written a sort of wish list before I started my journey, places I wanted to go, what I wanted to see and experience. There was a tree house on that wish list, one by a very specific person, so that’s why I didn’t recognize this one at once as the tree house from my wish list. But as I heard Jason speak about his tree house, and realized how well thought out every single detail about it really is, that this is truly the manifestation of a great vision, I suddenly remembered that that was how I had perceived the tree house on my wish list. I saw that that was what had fascinated me, and had been the reason I wanted to see that particular tree house. In that sense my wish had been granted, even though I didn’t end up seeing that specific tree house or meet that specific builder from my visualization.
You get what you imagine
In my experience that’s how wishing and visualization works: you literally get what you wish for, what you imagine. Not literally in the sense that it is in accordance with the words you use but something that corresponds with the feeling your visualization evokes in you. That’s why it sometimes takes me a while to realize that what I am experiencing is exactly what I wished for.
It’s been like this with every stop of my trip so far – on the outside they all may have looked differently from what I’d envisioned beforehand, but the feel was the same as in my visualizations. The more detailed I imagined what I wanted, the stronger the resemblance.
Ever since I understood this, I sometimes check in to see what happened to the things I imagined and wished for. And I am at this point amazed at how it takes less and less time for my visualized wishes to become true – and that any deviation from what I really want is always due to me missing a detail in the visualization or the description of my wish.
It’s our limited view that keeps us from seeing that things are in alignment with the big picture
At the same time I can see how there is a deeper wisdom at work here, too. That even though the deviations might disappoint me for a moment when I realize, „Oh, I forgot to be specific about this, so that’s why it turned out like that“ it always turns out that the way things do pan out is exactly right, that it is in alignment with the big picture. That it’s just my restricted perspective at the time that keeps me from seeing that.
Doing the right thing?
I used to worry a lot more about whether I was doing „the right“ thing. I constantly felt like I wasn’t living up to my potential, that I was doing something wrong for not being better than I was. When I came to understand that there is that bigger picture, that we come into our lives with a certain plan, and that even though there is room for variations on the details, it’s not possible to „fail“ in the sense that we don’t do what we’re here to do. So then when I started worrying I comforted myself that „Either you did the right thing or it didn’t matter that much“.
What if our „forgivable mistakes“ are not even mistakes?
I am not so sure about that notion anymore now either. What if it’s even better than that? What if the things I have taken for forgivable mistakes aren’t even mistakes, either? What if everything is exactly as it is supposed to – all the time? What if it’s only my limited view of things that keeps me from seeing that? For I am experiencing more and more how, even though, yes, I do forget to consider certain details when I wish for things or imagine my future, it always turns out to be exactly what I need when taking a look at the larger scheme of things.
In my last blog I wrote that this is happy although it’s not a constant walk in the park. My coach gave me a picture that I like even better. She suggested that I am at a stage in my life right now where new spaces have opened up, I have entered a new room, and I don’t really know yet how everything works around here. It’s a very good picture because I am going through what feels like extreme mood shifts at the moment, which is the not knowing my way around here part. Sometimes I strike gold, and everything just works, sometimes … not so much.
After I wrote that last blog post, I felt so full of life and energy, that everything seemed to be humming. I recognized this feeling, it doesn’t feel like I am merely being euphoric, it feels like I am in the center of my being, like I am the most me I can be. Yet at this point, I am still not used to being so fully me. There’s still this part that doubts it, and that is basically just waiting for something to show up that it can interpret as proof that this isn’t real. Of course, when you’re waiting for something like that, it’ll show up. And then it’s easy to fall back into other old habits, like criticizing yourself, analyzing everything you’ve done „wrong“, how you could have prevented this, yadah yadah yadah …
This morning, when I was sitting with this question of when things had shifted yesterday, what caused it, what I should have done, and how I could get back to the top again today, it suddenly occurred to me that what I was doing was kind of like putting a kid in a corner for doing something wrong, and telling it that it has to make things right in order to be allowed out of that corner. Now I don’t have any kids but somehow I don’t believe that this parenting style actually works. So if I believe that, why on earth would I think this could work on me or anyone?!
Then I remembered what I do believe in: that the answer to getting out from under something is to get the right perspective on it. I returned to Irka’s analogy of me having entered a new room. And I remembered how I had answered her that I felt like I was taking my first steps on this planet, even though I know that technically I’m 34.
And there it was, the answer: when you learn how to walk as a kid, you don’t do it by analyzing what you do wrong when you fall. You learn how to walk by walking, and stubbornly insisting on doing so no matter how many times you fall. In fact, I feel like we should be celebrating our stumbling and falling to the ground a lot more. It means we’re walking, instead of sitting in a corner, too afraid to even try because we might not get it right the first time.
Here’s to walking and stumbling, to allowing ourselves to enjoy the highs of when we get it right, and to cheering ourselves on when we fall.
DE – Hier könnt ihr meinen aktuellen Beitrag zum Amritabha-Monatsthema – Begegne deiner Kraft – auf deutsch lesen. Und hier auf englisch:
EN – Creating from a state of perfection the theme of this past new moon cycle here at Amritabha. Meeting and accepting our power is the step that follows organically. My own being, and the power that wants to be expressed through me become visible when I ask myself this question: „If all the ifs and buts in the world didn’t matter, what would you want to do?“ So far it always turns out that all the ifs and buts really don’t matter. The path becomes visible when we decide to walk it.
It’s all here
A little recap: Creating from a state of perfection means recognizing that we already have everything we need in order to manifest our heaven here on earth. Whatever it is we carry within is „good enough“. We don’t need to wait for a better version of ourselves or the world. If that is true, all our flaws and apparent mistakes can’t really mess up the creative process. They don’t keep us from expressing our being, or from living our heaven on earth.
There are no wrong choices, there is only „What do you really want?“
Thus, bad choices or mistakes don’t really exist, not in the sense we usually think of them anyway. If there are no mistakes, no bad choices we put a brake on our creative process for as long as we aim to „make the right choice“ or „avoid the wrong choice“. I’ve been having a very clear sense that this isn’t working anymore for a while now. It’s a voice inside that calls me out whenever I’m trying and make a choice that way. That voice tells me: „This isn’t going anywhere. You need to ask yourself: what do you want?“ For me this is the voice of the Divine Mother by the way.
Don’t distract yourself – just get started
I am also noticing that it’s becoming impossible to base my decisions on calculations of any potential outcome. Regardless of whether they might be positive or negative! I have been putting myself out there on social media a little more lately, with blog posts and pictures. Sometimes part of me doesn’t really feel like sharing because I feel like too much of a mess to want to be seen. Other times part of me really wants to post something because it’s nice to be seen, to get recognition and praise. The point is: even though I don’t want my actions to be steered by these motives, they still need to have permission to exist. If I waited for the moment when I’ve „finally risen above“ all that, I wouldn’t be able to do anything!
As the Divine Mother puts it: „Maybe you have all these reasons why you shouldn’t do this. And maybe you have all these reasons why you want to do that, which you think aren’t „pure“ enough. Don’t let yourself get distracted by that. The question is still the same: what do you want to do? Then do it.“
No more excuses – make a decision, and then follow through
That is what facing your own power and accepting it means to me: figuring out what it is we carry within, what it is that wants to come into this world through us – and then make that decision to manifest these wishes. When we recognize that there will never be that perfect moment in time, the right choice, that perfect version of ourselves, which we think we need in order to start creating our heaven, then we’re suddenly out of excuses. No reasons left why we shouldn’t manifest our dreams and visions.
Does that mean that fear is out of the equation? Of course not. Not accepting our power and not expressing our true self is safe: that way we may not be loved for who we really are but at least we cannot be rejected for it either. We’ve been there enough times to know: never again!
Express your true self with all its aspects – it’s the only way to make an impact
But times have changed, right? These days I only feel drawn to people who are authentic. Those who don’t have an answer to every question, but who are brave to admit openly when they are clueless or desperate when facing a certain situation. Those who are not interested in convincing me of their flawlessness. Those who dare to simply be themselves. The visible success of these people is proof enough for me to understand I am not the only one longing for this kind of honesty. It speaks to all of us, and we know perfectly well when someone is trying to sell us „authenticity“, or rather when they are trying to sell us something under the guise of authenticity. I am convinced that this is the age where we can only truly touch others by expressing our true being with all that encompasses. That by the way is one of the wishes of my being: to touch others.
Amritabha makes you face your power
Amritabha is supporting me when it comes to accepting my power, recognizing my being, and expressing both. That is an understatement, actually: I feel like I don’t have much choice. Ever since my arrival it has become more and more difficult to be in denial about what really is part of me, and to see what is just some sort of old „program“ that kicks in sometimes. The inner child workshop which I took here has contributed a lot there. But I also feel very clearly that it is this place itself that encourages this growth. Not so strange after all, since Amritabha is a temple of creation. I am still very happy to have the opportunity to spend an entire summer here. I couldn’t have dreamed up these past seven weeks. Can’t wait to see what the remaining six have in store for me.
Love and light
PS: It doesn’t have to be three months. If you’re curious what Amritabha might have in store for you, there are many different ways to find out. The château is open to the public every day, and we love to have company. The daily meditations are public and free as well. If you’d like to spend a little more time but still be independent, you can book the guest room (via airbnb or directly at the office – +33 3 89 73 24 60 | firstname.lastname@example.org). And then there are all those wonderful seminars and events. Check out the Amritabha event calendar for details – or follow us on facebook to keep track. Last but not least: if you’re thinking „I want what she’s having!“ – the three-month Amritabha experience – contact Fe San (email@example.com |+33.389.732460). Just keep in mind that not every journey is the same. <3
DE – Ich habe für den Amritabha-Blog einen Artikel geschrieben, in dem ich auf die erste Hälfte (!?) meines Aufenthalts hier zurückblicke und über das Thema Schöpfung aus der eigenen Vollkommenheit schreibe. Hier geht’s zum Artikel:
Hier die englische Version.
EN – I wrote an article for the Amritabha blog. It’s about the theme of this (past) new moon (Creating from Perfection), as well as a recap of my time here so far. (Can’t believe six weeks are up already!?). Here comes the English version:
The new moon cycle is coming to a close. „Creating from perfection“ is its theme, which, of course, is really a lifelong theme. It won’t stop and it’s been here the whole time. That has been a key for me, a returning insight over the past weeks: It’s all been here the whole time.
I have been thinking about how I still haven’t submitted anything on this month’s theme (all of us living here wanted to share something). It made me nervous – this is supposed to be my thing, right!? This morning I woke up early, even though I had planned on skipping both a.m. meditations, to finally sleep in for once. Suddenly – seemingly out of nowhere – I remembered the text I wrote on my very first day here at Amritabha. I had no specific intention with it, other than getting off my chest what was happening to me. And, lo and behold: everything really has been here all along.
Six weeks have passed, and as I was reading the text, I see that everything I have come to understand during my time here, everything I’ve learned at the inner child seminar I took, was already present in some way on that very first day:
„A little while ago I saw an interview with Agni, in which he talked about how people are so focused on their problems. He said that those problems would cease to exist if we focused on our potential instead.
That really struck a chord with me because it’s exactly what I do – I scrutinize myself, I examine everything I am doing wrong, all the areas that are „under construction“ in my life, everything I just HAVE to improve. It’s never enough. Then I remembered what I had discovered while going through my old blog posts a while earlier: that I had actually lived the country life I had dreamed of, that the idea that I had abandoned it before I really got started was just that – my idea, not the facts. And I’ve written and published books, yet I suffer from time to time because I supposedly never became an author …
Suddenly this thought popped into my mind: what if get to the end of my life, look back, and don’t find anything to regret. What if I find that there was nothing to regret all along, that I hadn’t done anything wrong, that I’d always been on the right track!?
What if the only thing I’d regret would be paying so much attention to that inner monologue. That voice that keeps telling me that it’s not enough. That I should be doing something else. That I should be someone else. That voice that keeps telling me that there is going to be something to regret.
This epiphany that I really don’t have anything to regret except for the lack of appreciation towards myself overwhelmed me, and I started to cry. Then I wrote a song.
Such a gift! It’s good to see what really needs to change in my life: it’s not my actions, it’s my attitude towards myself. No need to wait till I’m on my deathbed, I get to do that now, at the age of 34. It shows me what it means to be Here and Now and live life to the fullest. This is it. This moment right here.
When it comes to the energy required, it makes very little difference whether I am dreaming about writing a book (or a song) or whether I’m actually doing it. That moment I decided to permit myself everything that brings me joy. Not just planning on doing it and then putting it off. I decided to dedicate as much time as possible to things I enjoy doing. I didn’t want to get discouraged anymore by my thoughts and ambitions, and abandon a project halfway through just because „nobody cares anyway“ or because „there’s a thousand others who are doing it better than me“.
Maybe I’m not one of those who go all in and pour all their time and energy into one thing. Maybe I will at some point. Maybe I’m scared to lose myself. Maybe it’s easier for me to start low and do a little bit of everything every day. Maybe that’ll change things. Either way, the point is: DOING IT, without asking why, without trying to justify, just doing what I enjoy, for no other reason. Then I won’t have anything to regret.
And like I said: despite all my high standards I have always done what I wanted – I was just kind of careless about seeing to it that I do it out of and with joy.
That evening there was a darshan ceremony, or rather, one could choose between MaRa’s blessing and Agni’s darshan. I thought „Go where the fear is“. So I went to Agni. I had been putting myself under pressure about this, thinking „What if I shut down, what if I can’t open up and end up feel nothing?!“ I gave it a chance anyway. As I was facing Agni, my heart was beating like crazy, my fear was back, and I could tell it was the fear of myself, the fear of my own greatness.
As I sat down again, a question rose up inside me: „Can you forgive yourself for being afraid of yourself and your own greatness?“ That’s when the floodgates opened and tears started flowing. I went to the kitchen, made some tea and sat by myself for a while. More tears came when I could feel that it was never my fear that was the problem but my harshness towards myself. Every time the question returned – Can you forgive yourself for being afraid? – a new wave of tears washed over me. It was the only answer I could think of.
I felt helpless because I couldn’t decide whether that meant „Yes, I forgive myself“ or „No, I can’t“. I decided to take this as the wish to forgive myself, and the becoming aware of this wish. Maybe crying was the healing process, and I’d know it was finished when the question didn’t make me cry anymore. When there would only be knowing: I have already forgiven myself.
This is where all the paths in my life lead me: it is never my weaknesses, flaws, failures that are the problems. It’s the conviction that I should and could live without them, this battle against myself. I will never be able to win that one. At worst it will lead me to look back at my life with regret because all I will be able to see are mistakes and weaknesses. At best it will make me look back at my life realizing that there was no need for regret, that everything had been good and right, that I just hadn’t permitted myself to see it that way. I want to live in that awareness now, that everything is good and right just the way it is. For I am not living my life to be able to look back at it at some point and evaluate it. If that were the point, I could have stopped a long time ago. I want to live in the awareness that I am living for this moment. I want to shape every moment so that it holds the maximum amount of joy. That’s the kind of life I’d like to look back on. at some point.“
When I look back at the past six weeks in Amritabha, I see and feel a lot of joy. I don’t know what this summer would look like if I were spending it elsewhere. This much I know: Amritabha is a really good place to be creative, and to create from this state of perfection that is the present – with all our imperfections. I have been bringing more joy into my life, and I have been allowing more joy to come to me than ever before. It is easy. But guess what, that doesn’t make my problems disappear. Nope. Negative emotions come and go, even more often than I am used to. The inner critic is as diligent as ever, chastising me and pointing out my flaws. However, I am getting better and better at remembering that this is part of life. It’s all good, yet I don’t need to pour more attention into this part than necessary. I may keep directing my attention towards joy. That, too, is easy in this place and with the people who live here.
Thank you, Amritabha. Thank you, Fe San, Jaruh, Sina, Joshua, SoLa, Wandana & Samor. Words can’t begin to describe how much I enjoy being with you.
EN – Yesterday the entire Amritabha team went on a little trip. Reason for this outing was a landscape healing project which Joshua had suggested and which he guided. We went to two military cemeteries from WWI and WWII, as well as the war memorial La Linge. We used several different energy techniques (fire that transforms hatred into love, shamanic drumming, Feng Shui signs, etc.) to dissolve a lot of pain that was still lingering in these places. I was very moved, both by the transformation itself, as well as by the opportunity to do this kind of energy work together with my house mates.
I find landscape healing a very fascinating topic, and I would like to do more of it (after all, my crystal healer abilities are not limited to people …). Yesterday’s work convinced me once more that it is a very effective method to bring peace into the world. I suppose it is because nature/places is/are by default receptive to healing (actually nature is whole by default but you know what I mean). Us humans on the other hand can be a little more tricky. Sometimes we say that we want healing/to be well when we’re not really ready to accept our health/wholeness. (I am no exception!) I believe that when we use energy techniques to bring healing into places, we are making it easier for the people in those places to open up to their own healing/wholeness.
After the landscape healing we made sure to fill up our own energy resources. It looked a little something like this:
I used to have mixed feelings about beauty. Both when it came to myself but also when it came to the question of whether or not it really could be found in everything that exists on this planet. Whether or not it was OK to find it in everything. What part does perception play in the process? What is beauty anyway? Does it even matter? What do you think? Here’s how I see things now:
Beauty is a question of perception
A few years ago a close friend told me about her decision to undergo plastic surgery. The notion that the perception of ourselves differs from others‘ perception of us was not new to me but still. Somehow the conversation struck a chord with me, and it made me understand first hand what that really meant. This friend of mine is one of the most beautiful women I know. If she could see herself through my eyes she would not find the surgery necessary, I thought. Clearly her own perception of her had to be different from how I saw her, for I had no doubt that the surgery was a good thing for her (and it still seems to have been the right thing to do for her to this day).
I guess this hit a nerve because it brought up the question what the status of my own self-perception was. I was by no means planning on undergoing surgery but to say that I was happy with my looks would have been a lie. In some ways my friend was being a lot more honest than me. For I was unhappy with my looks but far to proud to admit (especially to myself) that beauty/being happy with my looks mattered.
Others‘ perception will never win over the voice inside
Is plastic surgery the answer to our discontentment with our appearance? I don’t know. I think that’s up to each and every one to answer for themselves. What I am sure of is this: Others‘ perception of us will never be able to beat the voice inside us. It’s that voice that determines how we see ourselves, and thus: how we present ourselves to the world. If surgery can convince that voice for good, then it’s definitely a positive action. I just know this wouldn’t work for me. That voice of self-doubt would just move on to the next thing that needed to be changed. It is her nature: doubting and criticizing.
There is more than just one voice inside us – which one to we trust?
To be specific: it is the voice inside that we put our faith in which determines how we feel about ourselves and how we present ourselves. Since yes, there’s that voice that tells me not to get any ideas, that no way am I among the beautiful ones. There’s that other voice, too, though. A voice that only speaks of beauty when I look in the mirror. In other words: a dangerous voice, a seductive liar. What would happen if I ever fell for her?! Just imagining the humiliation if anyone found out I thought I was beautiful when really I am not is too much …
One body, so many different images. If it’s true about my friend, why wouldn’t it be about me? What if the liar in me is not a liar? What if everyone but me could already see my beauty, and I were the only one holding on to a different truth? Or, what if the only reason others couldn’t recognize my beauty was that I keep placing my trust in that voice that only believes the worst of me? If there isn’t just one single truth about my body, shouldn’t I be able to choose? What’s keeping me from choosing anything but the best version of my self-image?
Beautiful Women Vs. Intelligent Women
The reason why I was unable to accept my own beauty at the deepest level was this: I was convinced that there were two kinds of women – intelligent ones and beautiful ones. Intelligent women didn’t necessarily have to be ugly but they definitely couldn’t show that they cared about their appearance. That, I thought, would have been shallow, and being shallow meant being dumb, right? Respectively, beautiful women could definitely be „surprisingly“ smart but not THAT smart because otherwise they wouldn’t be so shallow and put so much effort into their looks, right? … (The fact that all of my girl-friends were living proof of the contrary somehow didn’t count. There were obviously two different sets of rules – one that applied to me and another for everyone else.)
Jealousy – a hint at what we are denying ourselves
A little later I noticed that I had become jealous of a certain type of women. I had understood at this point that jealousy always shows up when we are seeing something in others that we are denying ourselves. So what was it with these women that bothered me so much? Easy: they were the kind of women who dared to be both. Intelligent and beautiful. They were women I had been following via social media, who touched me deeply with their writing. Not only could these women write, they were also posting pictures of themselves, showing off their natural beauty. They were not overdoing anything but there were little details in their style that left no doubt about two things: these women were aware of their own beauty, and they were letting the world know that they knew.
The Purpose of Beauty
No doubt about it, they both exist: the part of me that sees all my flaws, that keeps telling me not to get any grand ideas about myself, and the part that sees all the good in me, including my beauty. Only one of the two parts allows for a light-hearted, joyful existence. And that’s what it’s all about after all, right?
I am not only concerned with my own beauty, though. Beauty in my surroundings (or lack thereof) affects my well-being just as much. Up until now I have felt ambivalent about this aspect of beauty as well. I always thought that this desire for beauty on the outside was a sign of lack of balance on the inside. Surely beauty couldn’t matter that much?
The other day I was listening to one of Insha Holz’s power animal meditations (they’re in German but check out her world love meditations, they’re in English, too). It was the one where she led us to the holy white butterfly, who opens us for the world’s beauty and our own. During the meditation Insha said something that changed my perspective on the whole beauty thing: where we see beauty is where we find God. Within beauty there is God – that thought had never occurred to me. I knew instantly that it was true.
Recently I have often felt that I have gotten pretty good with getting in touch with myself. But what about God? Why didn’t I feel anything? Where should I look? When I heard that God was to be found in beauty, I suddenly understood why beauty mattered so much to me. Why it was so important for me to see beauty in me and in the world, and what it was I felt when I saw beauty. The joy and the lightness. Beauty is harmony, peace. Hi there God, so this is is where you’ve been the whole time! Suddenly it didn’t seems so pointless and dumb anymore to seek beauty in the world and in me, and to acknowledge it.
Whether it is out there in the world or inside us: they both exist, the ugly and the beautiful. Everything that’s wrong and everything that is good – just as it is. The holy white butterfly helps us to recognize beauty, the good. In other words: she helps us to find God. In the world and in us. Thank you dear Insha for bringing us together.
PS: When I look at the world through the eyes of the holy white butterfly, it looks and sounds like „Welt der Wunder“ by Marteria. How about you?
„It’s all here“, is what my Lemurian crystal keeps telling me. It’s an important message for me these days. I often feel that I already have everything I need to be happy. Of course, I don’t feel it all the time. Wanting, wishing, and striving for something – those are all part of us, too, and it’s completely natural.
However, it’s becoming clearer and clearer to me that there is something strained and strenuous to the wanting I often feel. It comes from a place of not being good enough, and not from the pure joy of creating something. I see this as a great indicator for whether my actions are „good“ in the sense that they support what I am really striving for (happiness! spreading joy!). For it’s not so much the action itself but rather the intention behind it which determines the outcome. Anything I do out of a feeling of not being good (enough), of „just a little more, and then …“ – those only lead to one thing: more of the same feeling, more „not good (enough)“, more „just a little more, and then …“.
Gratitude on the other hand, meaning the appreciative recognition of what already is in this moment, is a very powerful tool for attracting more good.
For instance, I recently noticed how much I have always loved music. I still wouldn’t say I am a good singer, but somehow there was this moment where I could admit to myself that I do enjoy singing. Suddenly I find myself in here in Amritabha where singing Bhajans is a weekly occurrence. Moreover, this is exactly the form of singing that suits me, for when it comes to Bhajans it’s not about talent. It’s about devotion. It’s easy to excuse yourself from anything when you can say „Oh, I’m no good at singing“. It’s more difficult however to claim „Oh, I am not good at singing passionately“. And is it possible to do poorly at something when you are passionate about what you’re doing? I guess I’ll find out soon …
If it’s not about earning something through your achievements (your right to exist, e. g.) but about the joy we find in doing something, and yes, praising God with that joy, then this is true: not being able to do something is no reason not to do it. (Those words of wisdom are not mine, btw. It’s ALF who said that – a childhood hero of mine, and when I think about it, a true master of making joy and ease the point of living.)
It’s all here. We’re already taken care of. Thus, we are free to do everything from a place of joy, and free to devote ourselves to the task at hand without worrying whether what we do is good enough. Honing our skills and mastering a craftsmanship will then come simply from doing and the time we put in, from the appreciation of what we already have and know. It can never come from the pressure of forcing ourselves to do anything, or the sense that we are not doing well enough.
Update: I first wrote and published this post 13 June 2017, shortly after I had asked for and received my soul name.
The other day I came across a YouTube-Video with Eckhart Tolle, where he shares the story of how he changed his name to „Eckhart“. So I remembered my own story and updated this blog (I didn’t change the text, it still speaks to me, but I added some images).
In his video, Eckhart Tolle also speaks about spiritual names in general, and I found his perspective on what they are about very interesting. You’ll find a link to the video at the end of this post, if you’d like to see it for yourself.
So without further ado, here is the original text about soul names and my process with it:
I received my soul name this past weekend. It is Sarine, and it means „She who feeds the flowers of God“. I made the decision to ask for my soul name earlier this spring. Although I felt I was clear about what this meant to me, and why I wanted to do this, it is only now that I have taken this step that the full extent of my choice is becoming clear to me. I am very happy about this, and very grateful for all the insights that are coming, and I am also very excited that you are asking me about it. So here is my take on the whole thing:
What is a soul name?
The concept of soul names is based on the idea that we are more than the human being we perceive ourselves as in our everyday life. Just to be clear: this does not mean that the human being aspect is an illusion. On the contrary, it is very real, and the whole point of having a physical body is to experience ourselves in this form. But if you believe that you are also something/someone beyond that, too, then the next question is, who/what are we beyond this physical form? To stay focused on the soul name question, let’s just say that if you are among those who believe that we have a soul, and that this soul is an individual, just like our human form, then the question is: who is that soul, what are her qualities? The soul name is obviously not THE answer but it’s a part of the process of getting to know/ remembering yourself.
Why did you decide to ask for your soul name? Your name seemed right, and you seemed happy with it?
True, when I first learned about the concept of soul names, I thought it was cool but it was nothing I considered for myself. I was very happy with the name my parents had given me. I felt that Solveig (meaning „way of the sun“) was very me. I became interested in asking for my soul name some time this spring. I realized that if the whole point is to ask for the name that represents me at a deeper level, there was no way I could be getting anything that would be less me. Since I am always interested in getting to know myself better, taking on my soul name felt like the right next step in that quest for myself.
How did it feel to take on your soul name?
Remember that weekend in Stockholm I wrote about? Well, it was kind of like that. I went into the whole thing without doubt or fear, convinced I could only be happy with the outcome. And then it turned out that I wasn’t. I mean, I did like Sarine, and I did like the meaning very much. I just also felt That Other Thing: „Oh, but I liked Solveig so much, what about that now? What was I thinking to let go of her?!“ And, like that weekend in Stockholm, and like so many other times in my life, I just hadn’t factored That Other Thing in. Fortunately, I was able to articulate my feelings right away. I know that always helps but I am not always good at it, since I also have this part of me that doesn’t want to show weakness, that doesn’t want to admit that I can’t handle something. This part is often very quick to say „I’m fine!“ before any other feelings get a chance to make themselves heard. But somehow I managed to say that I was a little surprised to find that I wasn’t as thrilled as I had expected to be, that I was in fact feeling regret. Can San, who was present at the naming, gave a very good explanation for how my two names were connected, and how they were related to me. And that somehow led to a different conversation, and when I looked at the clock I noticed how an hour and a half had passed. My name hadn’t been the subject of the conversation at all, but somehow I was at peace with it all of a sudden. Thank you, Can San!
Does that mean your are a different person now?
On the contrary! I was very happy that a friend asked me this question because it helped me see even more clearly what this soul name business meant to me. To be more accurate, my friend didn’t ask that question, she was brave to tell me that she felt a sort of loss. She explained that I had always been Solveig to her, and that the name change felt like that person I was to her would be gone. Frankly, I think when I made the decision to go for the soul name earlier this year, I probably had ideas like that, too. That this would be something that would change me (for the better, of course!).
I always have this yearning to „be better“ but I am seeing now that it’s a misconception. I don’t want to be a different person, someone „better“. I want to see the good in myself clearly and be that. For instance, I remember that I was not really happy with my blog anymore at some point earlier this year. I thought „Maybe it’s because this isn’t you anymore, maybe when you get your soul name, you’ll open a new blog with that name as the title, start on a blank page“. When my friend voiced her concerns, I could suddenly see that it’s the other way around: that the new name is not a renouncement of who I used to be. It is an affirmation of who I really am.
I have many friends from different periods of my life. Whenever my interests changed, I made new friends who shared those new interests with me. Some friendships were built on common experiences. Some friendships dissolved when our interests were not the same any more, or when the experiences we shared had come to an end. But: most of my friends are still my friends despite all those changes. Sometimes this has surprised me. Now I know that those interests or experiences may have been the external reason why we found each other but they were never the reason why we were friends. No matter what changes we go through, whatever is happening in our everyday lives, I always have a certain image of each friend. That never changes, no matter what they do, and no matter what I think of what they do. That is who they are to me, and that is why I cherish them. I believe that is how it works for all of us. That is why those who are surprised by the external events in my life, by the choices I am making, are still around – even if that surprises them, too.
My change of name may cause a brief moment of irritation, but that’s all. It will not change how you see me. This change is more important for me than for anyone else. It is a lot easier for others to see who we truly are than it is for ourselves. By calling me Sarine, you are helping me to see/be myself more clearly. You will always see me the way you see me. I will never be able to change that. If the way you see me changes, you have changed, not me.
Here is the link to the YouTube video by Eckhart Tolle on spiritual names (and why he named himself „Eckhart“).
It would be misleading to claim that my experience of the Lemurian Crystal Seminar reflects anything other than, well, my experience. Therefore I want to complement yesterday’s post with a few things to give you a better picture of what you’re in for if you are considering Dauri’s Lemurian Crystal Seminar (or her Crystal Healer Training).
One way of teaching is to share what you know. This is useful when you are privy to information others cannot access. This form of teaching preserves one form of knowledge, one truth, if you will. For as long as the teachings are applied accurately, that is. In some cases this may mean: for as long as the teacher is present to supervise the application of their knowledge.
Another way of teaching is to help others access their own knowledge. This is especially useful when it comes to information that is not stored in one place but in different locations. When it comes to crystal healing, both forms of teaching are relevant. It all depends on the purpose. At times it may be useful to pass on specific techniques.
However, crystal healing knowledge is inherent in many – if not all – individuals, yet many of us have forgotten how to access (or have chosen to forget how to access) that personal knowledge. So there is also a need for a form of teaching that helps the individual to recover their personal knowledge. This may not necessarily preserve one particular technique. Instead it generates a multitude of unique forms of knowledge, all representing different aspects of crystal healing.
If you want to convince yourself of Dauri’s personal crystal healing expertise, make an appointment for a crystal healing treatment. If you want to unlock your own, unique crystal knowledge, sign up for one of her seminars.
For this is the power and the beauty of Dauri’s seminars: she opens up a space where each participant can reconnect with their inherent crystal (healing) knowledge. Therefore, what you get is really a custom-tailored experience, as you might expect of a one-on-one coaching. At the same time you are also benefiting from the group experience: Since you are practicing your healing techniques with the other participants, you get a ton of incredibly powerful treatments yourself during the course of the seminar.
Thanks to the fact that Dauri’s teaching is very hands-on you gain the ability to expertly apply your (re-)discovered knowledge very quickly. One of the side-effects is an incredible boost for your confidence.
To sum things up: Dauri is a great healer AND teacher. If you are truly interested in unlocking and exploring your own potential as a (crystal) healer, you will be able to do so with the help of her guidance. If you are interested in something else, she will probably help you get there, too.
With everything that I had going on up until the last minute of my stay at my grandparents‘ house, I suddenly arrived in Landskrona, Sweden, realizing that I hadn’t spent a single thought on the Lemurian Crystal Healing seminar. The one that I was going to participate in. Like, the next day. Usually I spend money on things (including knowledge offered in seminars) I feel I am lacking. So naturally, there is anticipation, there is hope (that this one might be The Thing That Finally Makes Me Happy or The Answer), and therefore also hesitation (what if this is not The Thing That Finally Makes Me Happy or The Answer?).
When I signed up for the Crystal Healer training with Dauri last year, I didn’t know much about crystals or crystal healing, wasn’t even particularly interested in the subject. I signed up simply because I felt it was important (The Path Into Light had shown it as part of my path). Therefore, I had expectations – that it would help me grow, that it was an important part of my journey towards myself, towards becoming the person I wanted to be. (My expectations were fulfilled in ways I could not have imagined, by the way.)
If you think that choice was based on very little, this time I had even less: the Lemurian Crystal Seminar was not something I had foreseen at any point as an important piece of the puzzle of my life. I just had the feeling I should go. When I arrived, I realized something rare: I felt complete. I have been content with myself for a while now, and the periods of me truly feeling at peace with myself and my life keep getting longer and longer. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying I am perfect – but I feel happy with who I am and where I am headed, and underneath everything I do I feel a certainty that my life is flowing in the right direction on its own accord right now.
This raised some questions that I can’t say I have ever asked myself before: What is the point of healing when you feel whole already? What is there to gain when you feel like nothing is missing? What could possibly be added? The answer is: so much more.
The reason these questions surfaced was that during the seminar we, the participants, gave each other treatments to practice our own techniques. When it was my turn to receive healing, I kept finding myself not knowing what to ask for. And time and time again my healers treated me to incredible gifts.
One of the most significant insights for me this weekend was that the more I allowed myself to accept my state of wholeness, and (I have to admit this one still feels a little difficult to say out loud) my greatness, the easier it got for me to perceive the others‘ wholeness, their greatness, and what incredible healers they were.
We seem to talk about the importance of loving ourselves a lot. I know I have. But we don’t seem to know what we are talking about. Well, I should speak for myself: I had no idea what I was talking about. This past weekend helped me I understand at the deepest level that self-love has nothing to do with narcissism or egotism. On the contrary, as long as we don’t love ourselves, we are constantly burdening others with our craving their approval (or rejection, depends on how you’re wired).
I know what I am talking about: the list of things I have done in my life just because I wanted someone’s respect/attention/praise is long. And it’s not that I never got others‘ approval. I have the grades from high school and university to prove it. Interestingly, all the praise I ever got was never enough. When I was 18, I entered the competition of an acclaimed German paper with an essay. I was among the ten finalists. Wanna know what conclusion I drew from this? I was convinced that I was no good at writing because, you know, I didn’t win. (They even quoted from my essay during the award ceremony. Nope, not good enough …)
This past weekend showed me what self-love does to our relationship with others: It turns out that when we are in that state where we are at peace with ourselves, when we can see what beautiful and powerful beings we are, we suddenly don’t need others to give us what we are denying ourselves. Thus others are suddenly free to be more than a supporting role in the drama that is our life. We are free to see them as the beautiful and powerful beings they are. We are free to interact and communicate on a much deeper level. Our interaction stops being a negotiation, there is no agenda tied to what we have to offer each other. Instead there is light and lightheartedness to our interaction, and ironically it is exactly our not depending on the others‘ acknowledgement that allows us to feel truly seen for who we are. What greater gift could we possibly have for one another?
Thank you Dauri, Sejana and Tshira for sharing your light with me – and thank you for making me feel seen at the deepest level.